Spam, spam, spam

I’ve been spammed.

Now, I know there’s nothing unusual about that. I have three email accounts (one of which I haven’t looked at in months) and my yahoo account gets about 2,000 pieces of spam every 3-4 days (thankfully it mostly ends up in the “bulk mail” folder so I never have to look at it unless I’m searching for an expected email that might have ended up there because it’s a newsletter type thing).

Have you looked at your spam lately? There’s some interesting stuff in there. Snippets of some of the great literary works are ending up in spam in an attempt to get past the spam filters.

But that’s not what I’m here to write about.

Today I was spammed by Jesus.

I won’t copy the subject line because, well, it’s kind of offensive and my mother reads my blog (Hi, Mom!). But here’s what was in the email:

Feeling insecure about your manhood can effect every aspect of your life.
Man Xl will cure all these problems and more.
No more worries about size, you’ll have more stamina and last longer.
Women can sense when a guy isn’t secure about himself, do something about

I’m surprised Jesus would be concerned with such things. I realize he works miracles and all, including cures, but really… ?

The names that spammers use have been fascinating me lately. If I ever write a novel, I think I’ll turn to my spam to find names for the characters. I’m really bad at naming things and the spammers seem to be pretty good at it (except for that Jesus character).

I currently have a whole family of Johnsons in my spam box: Young Johnson, Madge Johnson, Evan Johnson, Carla Johnson, Nina Johnson, Bradley Johnson, Judy Johnson, Alva Johnson, Chester Johnson and Jamar Johnson. The Kilgore family is there, too: Valerie Kilgore, Wanda Kilgore, Jonathan Kilgore, Lynn Kilgore, Kirby Kilgore, and Gail Kilgore. There are tons of Smiths, including Edwin, Joey, Cole, and Traci.

Evan is a popular first name: Evan Johnson, Evan Davenport, Evan Potter, Evan Kinsella, Evan Smith, Evan Glenn.

But these are some of my favorites, some of which would make great fictional characters: Crystal Snow, Young Good, Kitty Brewer, Hank Conklin, Sanderson Clint, Cherry Carlisle, Winfred Rush, Dollie Chin, Gilbert Flood, Althea Evans, Edwina Platt, Gus Draper, and Ginger Pitt.

Gus Draper probably runs the General Store in some small town near the Bogs. Crystal Snow, a college student, has hippy parents and she’s just glad they weren’t Zappa fans or her name might be even worse. Young Good lives in the Amish community south of the Bogs. Edwina Platt is the grumpy but good-hearted librarian. Kitty Brewer, a young widow, owns a large horse farm and Sanderson Clint has his eye on her and the farm. Cherry Carlisle is a retired porn star, trying to hide her past (without bothering to change her name). Ginger Pitt is her best friend and has a checkered past of her own that she’s trying to hide. Dollie Chin is the exotic character of mixed parentage.

The funny part is that a look through the phone book in the Bogs might turn up these very people with these very stereotypes. Or maybe that’s what the spammers have in mind — and it wouldn’t surprise me — bringing up those stereotypes via names.

I’m a little tired of looking at photos, hence the excursion into the Land of Spam. I’ve been trying to organize as well as come up with a secure way to back-up my photographs. It’s grueling, eye-straining, butt-numbing work. I’m considering buying an external hard drive to store the photos. More than considering. I’m not sure there’s a better way to go as far as storage and computer access are concerned. The photos I really want to save are being uploaded to one of those websites where they print them. Because, let’s face it, there really is no better means (at the moment) of archiving photographs than prints. Anything computer related will likely end up obsolete. Prints, as long as you store them properly, will hold up a bit longer than, say, the floppy disk. (Anyone out there remember the floppy?  How about key-punch cards?)

Someday soon I’ll get back to Assateague. In the meantime, how about telling me what’s in your spam. Got any good names that lead to good stories? Or just plain funny names?

(In case it needs to be said: My apologies to anyone offended by the Jesus bit. Perhaps the name was meant to have the Spanish pronunciation and I got it all wrong.)